Thursday, March 22, 2012

I am not a huge fan of drugs, but sometimes a little Benadryl in your port is very nice. (And not the "port" you drink, silly!)

This post will contain ramblings at best and probably nonsense or pig Latin at worst.
  It is 12:30am after a long day of chemo and exhaustion, and now I sit here, not being able to sleep. Oh, the irony that is cancer! I started a new chemo medicine today that has more side effects than the last med. The one I am LEAST looking forward to is losing my hair again. I know that is petty and really doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but it matters to me. It is my connection with "normal". It is the separation of being accidently called "sir" in a department store, no matter how many necklaces I wear! And the worst part is, I know that the kids hate it as well. Yeah sure, they are just glad to have me around, but when it comes right down to it, I know they are embarrassed by how I look when I am bald. How everyone "notices" me in stores and makes "nice" comments about how I need to keep fighting, and want to talk all about cancer and how many people/relatives/friends they know who have had cancer and more importantly who has died from cancer.
 I have had people come up to me with the best intentions and say, "if the Lord calls you home, it must be your time to go." And on one rough day, I responded, " I think the Lord is calling YOU home!!!" (not the most polite answer, I need to work on that!) Anyway, I just think that so many side effects of my cancer I can pretty much "hide" from the world and all they see is a busy mother toting 4 kids around. But when it comes to the hair, its just too hard to hide. And yes, I have tried wigs and I think you all need to try to wear a itchy polyester thing covering your entire head when the heat rises to 120 degrees here in Phoenix. It is just as fun as it sounds!
 I can still remember over two years ago, the very first time I went into "public" with my hat on and no hair. I entered Target and not five minutes into my excursion a 4-year-old stopped in the aisle right in front of me, blocking my path. He pointed to me and loudly declared, "Look mom, that lady has NO hair! That is funny!" And as I looked for the nearest hole to crawl into, my heart also went out to that poor mother. I mean her kid was only telling the truth, can you really punish him for that! And actually I much prefer the kids to the adults who constantly stop my progression down the aisle and want to "talk to me". It really is hard for my kids as well because ALL the attention is focused on mom. Oh poor mom!! Wahhh! Wahhhh! My kids can perform a circus in front of them (and often do), and all the stranger sees is me, with the bald head and death sentence. I think I have decided that if this chemo works, I will put down the big bucks and get a "real" wig made from "real hair" that is soft and looks, well....."normal". And really, I do this mainly for my kids' sake and the sake of others, so we can all just get on with life.
  I think I have laid too much seriousness on your plate for one night, so I will exit stage left.
 P.S. The caption about Benadryl is because I really like the feeling of getting Benadryl put in my port right before chemo. I know this is petty, but since my port goes straight to my jugular vein in my neck, the response from the Benadryl is INSTANT! Today I was doing some research on my computer when the Benadryl hit me and I looked up and said, "oh, it's the Benadryl", and instantly my mind went from being in control and intelligent to fuzzy and losing consciousness. I put aside my computer and said, " I think I will take a nap now" and immediately laid my chair back. They brought my lunch right then and I just looked at it because there was no way I could get my mouth to chew up and down for any period of time now. Good ridance food. Good ridance anyone else who was trying to have a polite conversation with me........ Benadryl controls my world. (And that means I don't have to!Smile!).............Goodnight~
P.S.S. I just wish I could get some of that stuff at home at night when I am laying awake in my bed reading away the hours. Regular Benadryl just doesn't do it. I mean who has time to wait for your stomach to disolve the pill, etc,. etc.


Natasha said...

I love you Christa! You are my hero.

Shelly said...

When I had to do Herceptin for 1 year-every 3 weeks, they put Benadryl in my drip. Can I just tell you how much I looked foward to those "nap" days. Once it hit the system...I was out. There is always a silver lining=) You amaze me Christa! Its ok to have bad days, I think you deserve a few. You just keep on going no matter what obsticle is in your way and that is such a strong example to so many people. I love that you told that lady that God was calling HER home...hilarious!! I hear ya about the wigs-worst feeling ever! I think I wore it one time and then never again. No amount of looking normal was worth that uncomfortable-ness (is that a word?) Im so sorry your going to lose your hair again-makes me so sad.=( Have I told you how awesome you are??

LUND said...

Love you so. Hope tonight is a better rest. Good night.
Mom Karen

Jeremy and Ruth said...

Your comment about i think Heavenly Father is calling YOU home may not have been the most polite, but it did make me smile a little! :) hahaha Love you SOO much! Love your family and you guys are ALWAYS in our prayers and in our thoughts! I love the blog and I am jealous your SUPER cute new bathing suit! :)

Bonnie Hynes said...

Sorry about the hair should start a collection for a wig fund! Some of us would love to make your life a little easier in any way we can! Thanks for these late night, drug induced-honesty posts, they help me feel connected to you and what you're going through. I thought about you all day wednesday, and pray for you always!