This Entry Aint going to be pretty!!!!

Here I am as a first timer in the "Chemo Room"

I love to have a positive attitude because I think it is the most important drug you can have while dealing with cancer. But as I sit here in the car, medicated and still reliving todays events in my mind, I decided to go with a blunt tactic because I had a very scary experience and leaving it out would be like trying to fool all my friends and loved ones. We don't want that now!

So, here's the skinny: Today was a long day and my first chemotherapy session so to say the least I was very scared. I couldn't get to sleep last night, which was o.k. because my crazy older sister goes shopping at midnight--- did I mention she is one spunky crazy gal?!! So I snuck out of bed after making sure Morgan was soundly asleep (the poor man needs all the sleep he can get while dealing with me lately). So at midnight I snuck out with my big sis and we headed off to Walmart. We shopped and we talked and then we talked some more and finally went to bed at 3:30am. It was wonderful and I loved talking to her just like the old days.

Today I had a MUGGA scan at 8:30am, this scan is a scan of my heart because one of the medicines they are putting into me during chemo is hard on my heart. The scan lasted about two and a half hours and we then had to eat and go to my chemo session.

When we entered the waiting room it was PACKED and as you sat there waiting, I couldn't help but think, "You have to wait to be tortured, ....interesting!"

When they finally brought me back to my lovely recliner and hooked everything into me, the business of chemo began. The first medicine was two syringes of kool-aide looking liquid that they pushed through the IV. This is the medicine that gets rid of your hair pretty fast and I am sure has a lot of other good purposes that have to do with combatting cancer. Oh, and you pee red for a couple of days.... interesting! Then we were onto the next medicine, a 1 hour drip that was fine and I didn't feel any effects or anything. Becuase I was craving Mesa Frozen Yogurt, I had Morgan go and make a FroYo run while I was doing this medicine. So, then they got ready to begin the third medicine and the nurse begins by saying that less than 20% of the people taking this medicine have allergic reactions. WARNING FLAG: Lately, I have been beating all odds when it comes to "statistics", for example: six months ago when I had my first biopsy, it was 99% accurate and it said I had no cancer, example 2: The nurses assured me that I didn't have cancer, because cancerous lumps don't hurt... wrong again. Example 3: Right after my excisional biopsy on October 28th the surgeon came out into the waiting room and told Morgan that it looked just like he thought, not cancerous at all. um...wrong. Example 4: The surgeon who was telling me I had cancer, three days after example #3, told me that it didn't make sense. I didn't have any of the factors they looked for.. no family history of cancer, too young, breast-fed four kids, the works. But we all know how that turned out. Example #5: When my cancer surgeon was feeling my lymphnodes before surgery, she said, "I don't feel any enlarged lymhnodes, so I am pretty sure it hasn't spread into the lymphnodes. wrong again: They had to take all of my lymhnodes out on the left side because 8 of them were cancerous.

As I am calculating all of these examples of "beating the statistics" in my head, the nurse is still droning on about how the reaction will take place, if you have a reaction. In the first 15 minutes of getting the drip, you will have trouble breathing, your back may hurt, etc... So Morgan and I ate our frozen yogurt and sat and talked as they began the drip. Pretty soon, Morgan said, "wow, 10 minutes have gone by... I guess you finally beat the odds." No sooner had these words escaped his mouth, I suddenly couldn't breathe... And I mean suddendly! One second I was bringing a spoonful of yogurt to my lips and the next second, I could only see floating things in front of my face and no air was making it in or out. Morgan saw the fear spread across my face and he got the nurses over to me quick. By this time, I was gasping and my back felt like it was splitting in half. Everywhere hurt and the nurses were buzzing around me like bees. They gave me oxygen, tried to flush out my body of the medicine, and when that didn't work, they used some sort of "antivenum" to get it out of me. It was definitley a top five on my list of scary moments in my life. the nurse then commented to me after about a half hour of stabilizing my body that I had one of the worst reactions they have seen with that medicine. Nobody got me an award or anything! He!He! My blood pressure had dropped to 73 over 51 and I was sweating like I had just run a mile. They pumped me full of saline for quite a while and then finally released me. All I wanted to do was to get home!!! So Morgan and I got in the car and we headed towards our warm sanctuary in Bagdad.

Now, you have the true story of how my first chemo trip was and today as I reflect back... I am just glad it is over. (Half of this blog entry was written yesterday and half today). I am having a good day today.... I am exhausted, have a headache and am a bit scared of eating any food, but all in all, I am just happy to be home and back in my "magic recliner".

I love you all and felt so many prayers as I went to my first chemo trip, thank you so much for your love!!!! Love is so important!!!

Has Your New Version Come Out Yet?

This is Morgan once again, and no, I am not trying to make blog entries a regular thing, but there are times when I do feel the need to offer a slightly different perspective on all things breast cancer in our family.
I was taking an inventory of myself and our family yesterday (it’s what I do, I work in supply chain remember),and I have noticed some changes. Apparently, like Microsoft did to Windows XP, our Heavenly Father has taken a look at our family and decided it is time for a new version. Also like Windows XP, I didn't really think that there was anything wrong with the version we had. The old version was doing everything that I thought I wanted it to do so why mix things up?
Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily think that Christa was purposefully given breast cancer or that we are being punished for any shortcomings. On the contrary, I am more apt to believe that this whole thing is a product of our mortality. However, I do believe that we have been given, and are currently being blessed with, all of the tools we need to not only get through this challenge, but to get through it as a stronger, better, and closer family. For example, I cannot look back at this last year in particular without recognizing countless tender mercies that were given when and where we needed them in order to prepare us for this. We continue to be surrounded by them now. They were given to us before as a preparation, and are given to us now as answers to prayers. Thank you for those prayers.
We are currently sitting in the "chemo room" at the hospital waiting for the first dose to be finished. It is taking a lot longer than we had anticipated, but I will let Christa fill you in on that later. Did I mention how much I love that woman? You may or may not know that her last post about falling down was done for me. You see, I was pretty out of sorts after that fall. Christa = strong / Morgan = weak. I felt terrible and the memory kept replaying in my mind. It was a grating, caustic memory, and I wasn't even the one who fell. I believe that she wrote that post in the whimsical way that she did in an attemtp to temper and dampen it for me. And, temper it she did. She took the time to take the edge off of what I was feeling, even though I could do little or nothing for her discomfort.
It is through these acts, the least of which I just described, that Christa has joined forces with our Heavenly Father to push through what I will refer to Morgan 2.o (two point oh). I don't quite know what to think yet about Morgan 2.0. This new version is definately built on a more humble platform. It also had an extra 200 Mhz of gratitude for its blessings. The boot-up to tears time has also been greatly reduced. This new version will take some getting used to, but I suppose it will work out.
Hopefully we are jumping straight to the Windows 7 and skipping right over Vista.

I WILL go to that Christmas Party!! I WILL!!

Here is a picture of Morgan and I right before going to his yearly work Christmas Party. Don't we look so festive in our red and green???!!! Now, I will tell you a little bedtime story that goes along with this picture...
Once upon a time there was a wonderful couple, let's call them Borgan and Trista, that wanted so despirately to go to an upcoming work Christmas Party. Let's say they were Royalty, King Borgan and the fair Queen Trista. Well, Trista had just had a surgery (what a coinscidence, huh??!!), and she wasn't feeling great, but she wanted to go to the party so she rested all day and got dressed up at 6pm to go to the party with the wonderful King, Borgan. They decided to leave the kingdom in the hands of the fair Lassidy while they left for an hour sebaticol. They knew that the trolls would be hard for Lassidy to handle, but Lassidy was becoming a very good troll-tamer. All except for the most fierce and wild troll, Dill, who was not to be tamed as of yet. So Borgan and Trista decided to take Dill to the party, so they could keep a close eye on him and make sure he didn't cast any evil spells on anyone, like the evil, "poop his own pants" spell or the infamous, "Dump everything on the floor" spell.
Well, Borgan and Trista and the troll, Dill, arrived late to the party because they took their royal time getting ready and they also wanted to make a royal entrance. They had let their chauffer take the night off so they parked their royal chariot at the bottom of the hill closest to the party. There were many other royal people there and there were many chariots there and they had to almost park in another kingdom because of all the royal chariots. Since they had to park far away, they had to walk aways to get to the royal party. As they were walking, something happened--- Queen Trista had worn her glass slippers to the party and sometimes they weren't the most reliable shoes for long distances. As Trista was taking a step, she hit a pit in the road (probably placed there by an evil sorcerer), and she fell hard, right on her royal chest! Well, it just so happened that she had just had surgery on her royal chest and so this fall caused much pain to her highness. Her dear husband, King Borgan was beside himself with grief, trying to help his beloved and offering to take her back to her own kingdom where she would be safe again. (All the while, the troll, Dill, walked in circles casting evil curses on unsuspecting shrubs and boulders). When Queen Trista finally made it to her feet, King Borgan was ready to take her back to her kingdom, but Queen Trista said, "We have made it this far. We ARE GOING TO A ROYAL PARTY TONIGHT!!!" And King Borgan took her arm with admiration filling his eyes, and he helped his royal highness to the party and they enjoyed a wonderful (if not a little bit painful), evening together as King and Queen (and troll). And everyone lived happily ever after thanks to pain meds and comfy recliners!! The End!!

Does this shirt make my head look bald??!!

I found a very humorous t-shirt online that says.. "does this shirt make my head look bald?" and that is just a little preview of my blog entry today.
Yesterday, Morgan and I went to Phoenix to do one of our marathon trips. We had three doctors appointments and it was a very long day. The first appointment was with my Oncologist, who will be in charge of my chemotherapy treatments. We will be starting my chemo treatments next Monday and I guess I am a bit nervous for this new experience in my life. Because I am young, they are going to give me a very powerful dose of chemo because my body can take it---so they say. Also, one of the perscriptions the nurse gave me had be baffled for a minute, let's see if you can figure it out. It is a prescription for a "cranial prosthesis"... any ideas as to what it is??? Just think for a minute!!!!
o.k.......... enough time..... It is a prescription for a wig!!! he!he!!! Funny huh? I guess that is how it has to be billed to the insurance company. Silly! I guess one of my three chemo meds is pretty much a guarantee that I will lose my hair within the first week or so after my 1st chemo. Enough about the bald thing... I am over that now, I think I will let each of my kids have a pair of scissors and each have a chance to cut moms hair!!! Well, maybe not Will, I need my ears!!!
Then we went on to meet the Radiologist, but radiation won't start until after chemo... so I am not really concentrating on that right now. I have enough on my almost bald head to worry about!
Then came the painful appointment... the plastic surgeon. he ripped off my steri-strips that were holding my incisions together... argg! And then for the good stuff--- he stabbed a needle into a speical valve in my chest and filled my spacers with 180cc each. Let me just tell you that this was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me while sitting in a chair calmly at a doctors office. Now I have two rocks on my chest and I feel like my skin is ripping apart and my ribs are going to crack. Good news though-- this is normal! And guess what, some people go through all of this ON PURPOSE! I am thinking right now that large chests are definitley overrated!! Well, enough complaining... life is beautiful and I am so glad that we have medical miracles like chemotherapy, radiation, and yes, even reconstruction!

My "Magic" Recliner

The "Magic" Recliner, right next to my Wall of Happiness, which is where I put all the cards, drawings from kids and other well wishes. It gives me sooo much strength and many smiles!

Guess what??? I slept through the night last night, through the WHOLE night!! I didn't have to get up once for a pain pill or try to make myself comfortable or anything!! This is the first time I have slept through the whole night since my surgery, and it felt WONDERFUL when I woke up this morning! I was able to get up and make it through sacrament meeting and even stay for Lund's talk in Primary. Yea!!!

So you are probably wondering what was the change that happened in my life to make this wonderful feat possible... Well, I will tell you, and you have to keep it a secret. I have a MAGIC chair! No kidding, it is truly magical!!! You see, I haven't been able to sleep really well in a bed since my surgery, so I have been sleeping in my old recliner in my room that has seen better days...years really. Well, on Friday night in the middle of the night I thought to myself... "this is enough! This chair isn't working out!" The next morning, after not sleeping much at all, I told Morgan of my plan. We were going to farm out three of the kids and drive into town to get a new recliner... cause I needed some sleep! It all worked out wonderfully and we found my magic recliner at Sam's Club (It just happens to match our bed set we bought at Sam's Club perfectly, what did I say... it is magical!)

So, now I have a magical recliner and I am soooooooo excited at the difference one chair can make in my life!!

Here I am with all my gear in my chair.. I have my lap top, my pillows, my books, and usually a chocolate or two hidden close by!

"I can't eat my left-overs, there is a finger in my mashed potatoes!!"

Like most other families in the United States, we ate left-overs after Turkey day for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a couple of days... until we were all turkeyed out!!!! I guess Sarah is a bit more cleaver than the rest of us because on Friday night she came up to me and said, "I can't eat my left-overs because there is a finger in my mashed potatoes!!" I looked down and about jumped out of my seat at the wiggling finger covered in mashed potatoes looking back at me. It took me a minute to realize that this sad-faced six-year-old had just outwitted her mom.

Here is Sarah looking sad as she brings over her plate of food with a finger in it... (What an actress!)
Here is the real Sarah as you can see by her myschivious smile and a picture that shows how her trick was accomplished. That is what I get for using paper plates for left-overs!
And of course, Will wanted to try it to and you can see my sneaky little girl in the background proud as punch at her practical joke.

Here is what her mom told her, "Well, you had better lick your finger off and get eating, 'cause you are not getting out of eating left-overs that easily!!" (Aren't I soooooo sweet?!!!!)

What happened to the turkeys that weren't pardoned? Well, we ate them of course!! (This is not a vegetarian friendly blog entry)

The wonderful people gathered together (I like how Lund has his scriptures ready for his Thanksgiving spiritual thought)

And of course, the star of the event, all the food!

We had a wonderful Turkey Day this year and our menu was complete with a smoked turkey (Morgan) a regular turkey (Grandma Karen) and many more ammenities that were scruptious. We even used my sisters yam recipe from last year complete with cinnimon butter (yummy).

I didn't include myself in this picture because I was wearing a sexy germ mask due to four sick kiddos. Not the best time to take a picture. When Will saw me come in with a mask on he said, "Oh, are we playing doctor today?" That is how his mind thinks and I love it!

I truly have so many things to be thankful for this year, at the top of my list would be modern medicine since my brother (Type 1 diabetes) and I would never have survived without it. How blessed we are to live in this modern day and age.

I am not excited for my chemotherapy to start, but I am excited for it to be over, so I guess that means... starting it. The radiation doesn't scare me as much and will come after the chemo. It is only like 15 minutes a day five days a week for six weeks. But I might have to move to Phoenix to do my radiation treatments and I am very, very sad to leave my family for that long. But, we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Love you all and hope you made great memories yesterday with family and friends. And to quote Morgan today, "life is full of good times and bad times and it is just everyone's hope that the good times outnumber the bad." And if you look around.... the good always outweighs the bad, plain and simple!