Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm ready to go "Heather Attack" on the world!!!


For some reason the past few days I have been on an "evil rampage"! Don't get me wrong, I have not concockted an evil poison to kill anyone nor have I made any plans to "take over the world!" But nontheless, I have been a bit "evil" this past weekend.....Here's the scoop...
Last Friday night at about nighttime a switch turned on in my brain, and evil switch. I knew it started about then, because we had an exhausting, yet fun day in Prescott all day and I was tired and grumpy...(Now, I never did manage to take chemestry in high school or college, but I am pretty sure that if you combine very tired and grumpy, the formula definitly points to "evil")! Well, I was getting up to get a drink of water and Morgan asked me nicely to do something and I snapped... I think it pretty much went something like this.. Morgan: "While you are up, can you make sure the heater is back on for the night?" Simple enough request from the guy that has been my stalwart through thick and thin... But, when your evil switch gets turned on, watch out... My reply "Oh, since I am a few feet out of bed I need to go and check the heater and do your bidding!!!!" (I am pretty sure I asked if his legs were painted on or such nonsense)... Luckily, I married the calmest man on the planet because, and he did not take offense.....
It just got worse on Saturday....Everything the kids did urked me for some reason, and they were actually being quite nice. Let me step back a bit... when we were driving home from Prescott on Friday evening I had him stop at a gas station where I get the best hot chocolate in the world!(thanks Bek and Carly). The thing about this hot chocolate is that you have to make sure you really put the right stuff in your cup because it is right next to the coffee selections. If you didn't know already, I don't and have never drinken coffee. It is something I do for religious reasons and the obvious need for me to not EVER have that much caffene running through my system.
I also always put this amazing creamer in my hot chocolate that gives it a bit of a French Vanilla taste and it is really delish and it makes it taste a little less like straight up chocolate. (Can you just picture me trying to backpeddle and explain my mistake? I am pretty sure you can see what's coming)
We get back in the bus...(our name for our 12 passenger van), and I decide to drive home, because all of a sudden I am PUMPED with energy. I chug down a few, ok, maybe a dozen, sips and then hand it to Morgan. "You gotta try this, I always get hot chocolate here and it is to die for!! It does taste a little bit different today, but I think it is because I pumped a lot more Vanilla creamer into it today." He took a sip, then another and then looked at me smirking..."It's coffee..." Of course he was wrong.......right? "No it is not, I destinctly pushed the "Hot Chocolate" button...at least I am almost definitely sure." He just kept smirking..."it's coffee". Needless, to say, I wanted to prove him wrong, but I suddenly lost my urge to finish my delicious drink and kept my energetic eyes on the road.
That night I could not get to sleep for the life of me and when I did, I had this weird dream that I was running in circles. Literally, I was running in circles over and over and over. So, I ended up giving up on sleep and went into the kitchen for my Honey Nut Cheerios. I am pretty sure it was coffee.
So, that might help set my "evil stage", but there still shouldn't be any excuse for evil. My evilness just continued on Saturday until I had to take a "time out" in the room for a few hours and read. I was reading "My fair Godmother" by Jannette Rallison and that helped to perk me up a bit. It helped so much that I told Morgan to grab his clubs and get ready for golf. He looked at me a little perplexed that the evil woman was now smiling (it is never a good sign when an evil woman is smiling..I am pretty sure Disney taught me that). So we took Will and his new plastic golf set and our regular metal set and hopped in the car to drive (pun there...sorry Ruth). The day was BEAUTIFUL, it was about 5:45pm and it was perfect weather and perfect golf conditions. (Not that I really can perdict "perfect golf conditions" since I have only gone about four times in my life). But there we were... in the sunshine..on Hole 1 and Will was having a hayday hitting his little plastic ball with his plastic club. I think I could see my funk starting to lift..... Then SHE walked over!!! Morgan had just hit his ball and I was trying to get mine to stay on the tee. "I am sorry folks!!!" she yelled at us, not bothering to get any closer. "The golf course closes at 6pm".....WHAT!!!!!!!
"Since when?" I replied, we have golfed all the time on odd hours, they never close the gates.
"Since we were vandalized last week by some hoodlums!!!" Dang hoodlums!!!! "Can't we play please? it is just me and my husband and my little 4-year-old?" I answered sweetly. "No!" she hollered back. "And I need to lock this gate now, so your done!" oh no..... I could just feel myself transforming into the Hulk......take a deep breath....No good...Watch out lady, here comes Evil!!
While Morgan went to go get the ball he had already hit, I went over to the lady and started off nicely.."Mam, it is only 5:45, and so technically we still have 15 minutes to play." she just took a puff on her cigerette and replied, "I have to leave by 6, so I am locking up NOW." Gloves off, here comes the throw down....."O.K. mam, you see I am trying to be nice here but on Monday I get my next round of chemo and I wanted to spend one last time walking and having fun with the ones I love before I am sick again for a long time." She just puffed and looked at me..."My husband had lung cancer, we have been there and done that....your done right now, golfing is over!" Puff, puff........ we began the staredown......she just kept puffing that poison into her lungs and I just stared. I wanted to grab her cigarette and stick it in her ear! I know, that is evil... I WAS EVIL!!! She must not have had any eyelids because I totally lost the "stink-eye" contest and then just stormed off, Will behind me toting his plastic set. "Well, we are going to use the putting green right here then, because you can't lock that!!" she finally figured that she couldn't stand there all right gaurding the open grass, so she relented, "Fine, I'll let you do that today, but I am going home!"
*I want to put a disclaimer here because I want you to know that I don't hate smokers. I love a lot of people that smoke and I understand that addictions are hard. It is just hard for me to watch someone puffing poison into their lungs VOLUNTARILY while I go in today to get poison pumped into my lungs INVOLUNTARILY. So the formula is.... love the smokers, but hate the cigarettes. Enough said on that....
As we packed up to leave the putting green a half hour later, we noticed a bunch of golfers finishing up their games. "What the heck.." I murmured (Murmuring is never a good thing)... I went up to the chain link fence and noticed that they weren't the only golfers out there, there were a bunch of them all over the course. Then I looked around a little bit better..... None of the other gates were locked!! She had only locked OUR gate!!! (the hoodlums must only enter through the gate by hole 1). I had steam raising out from my ears as we drove home!
The next day was Sunday, and I didn't want to go to church...evil people never do! I didn't want to put an itchy wig on and I DIDN'T want to stuff my ever growing body into a dress!! I wanted to throw myself back under my covers and forget the world for a day. (or ten) But then I got to thinking about how much the Lord has blessed us during our trials........so, so, so much!!!!! I said a prayer and hit the showers. During church I knew I had to solve the "evil" problem or people would get hurt, trampled, maimed...you get the picture. Morgan is in the bishopric so he sits on the stand and I sit with the four kids.... in the next pew was my friend Lydia with her five kids, and her husband is also on the stand. I think deeply that children can feel the spirt sooooo much better than we can, becauase just as I was plotting to go home right after Sacrament meeting and sit in front of the TV and stuff myself full of chocolate, Lydia's 10-year-old daughter leaned over and whispered.."Sister Johnson, do you want to hold Eric?" (Eric is their adorable 4-month-old that was sitting on big sisters lap).... "Boy, would I"... I hope I don't make him cry with my evilness??? So, she handed him over and I learned something... you can't scowl at a baby, or even frown with your eyes.......you just can't!!! there is something about them, with their sweet innocent eyes and slobbery smile that just won't let you do it. And even though it is impossible, I tried it once, just once...... he just gave me a bubbly coo! I lost!!!! I held him and soaked in his love!!!! I held him the rest of sacrament meeting and then in Sunday school, I stood in the back and bounced him until his adorable hound dog checks were bouncing up and down in his sleep. then I just held him against my chest and loved him! Here was the solution to pure evil.....pure love!!! This is probably why all the evil witches and wicked step-mothers are never seen craddling a five-month-old...it just wouldn't work and their evil powers would be gone!!
In Relief Society I finally had to hand him over because the combination of his warmth and the warmth of the fake hair on my head was making me sweat....a lot.... and no one wants to sit next to stinky people. I handed him off with a smile... a real smile... the first one in days. Love you Eric! (and EmmaLee for sensing the need).
Now, that I am feeling better about everything I can laugh about a few things that happened during my "evil weekend". Here they are, in no particular order....
*At one point a little girl who is about four (I am not listing names becuase her mom would be upset with her and you can't get mad at innocent honesty).. And no, it wasn't your daughter....or yours, or yours....
Anyway this innocent little girl came up to me and said.." Why are you wearing a hat?" I replied that I had no hair, that the medicine they were giving me to make me better was making my hair go away for now. She looked up with huge curoius eyes.."Can I see?" (sure, why not?) I took off my hat and she audibly gasped...."That was really, really, really scary!!! You should NEVER show anyone else ever again..........(long pause)......................................can I see again?"
Sorry, but that is seriously the funniest thing ever! She was soooo utterly honest.... I just had to laugh..
*Next thing: we were getting out of Sam's Club and we were headed to the van and Morgan said, "We should call our van the Fat Mobile"...... I just looked at him in horror!!! "WHAT BECAUSE I AM SOOO FAT AND THAT BUS HAS TO LUG ME AND MY WEIGHT ALL AROUND!!!!!" He just looked at me with wide, stunned eyes..."No... P-H-A-T Mobile.... you know like "cool"... it's kind of a play on words... like Batman's Bat Mobile.....oh boy honey, I am soo sorry!!" (he added that last part in because I don't think he quite knew what to do with me and his 7 sisters have taught him so well.... If you don't know what to do, just apologize! smart girls they are!!!)
*I also looked at our pictures of our trip to the Freedom Station and there were some of me in it...at least I think they were me...... but they can't be me!!!!!...... that fat, bald, man-looking woman!!! I cropped myself out....Sorry, but I just can't stand to look at pictures of myself these days. While scrapbooking last weekend my 11-year-old daughter was with me and someone handed me a picture from my last birthday with all my friends, right before I found out I had cancer. "Man, I was so pretty" I said loud enough for her to hear. Cassidy just pipped up, "But now people love you because you are pretty on the inside even though you don't look pretty on the outside." What a beautiful, yet stabbing comment! I hope my kids do learn that people are so beautiful on the inside... maybe this is the lesson we are all learning right now!
O.K. enough of that "evilness"..... time to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I have chemo in 2.5 hours.... so it is game time, and I need to put on my game face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s. If you are wondering about the title to this blog...let me explain. (Like how I made you wait until the end....you had to read everything else first...he he...pure evilness!)
Anyway, growing up in Morgan's house there were 10 children...7 girls and 3 boys. Morgan came right after about 5 or 6 girls and he learned really quickly how to torment his sisters. (though he will deny this and say that he was a saint, the best brother ever!!!) Well, his sister just below him is named Heather. Morgan would sometimes torture her and tease her to the point of lost sanity. This is when the "Heather attack" would happen. I am sure anyone with siblings can picture the scenario. Morgan has just been teasing his sister relentlessly and she runs in to "tell mom". Morgan runs behind his mom and starts mimicking her..... and ............. she loses it!!! (as anyone would)... she can no longer speak rationally or act rationally for that matter. Her arms start flailing in a windmill fashion and she runs at Morgan, who happens to be cowering behind mom after taking one look at his sisters face. And thus began the "Heather attack". I am sure Morgan made her have quite a few of those attacks during their childhood, and now whenever you just want to lose all rational thought and start flailing your arms and running at the victim....yup! your having a "Heather attack"
p.p.s. As I sit here in the chemo room (slowly losing my conscious state from the Benadryl), I thought a lot about this post and realized that I have forgotten the most important aspect of me getting rid of the "funk in my trunk" (similar to the phrase "junk in the trunk"). Anyhow, I forgot to mention how often this weekend I prayed to get out of my funk. Prayer is such a wonderful thing! Don't knock it unless you have tried it.. and when you do, you will see countless miracles in your life and you will basically be able to "feel" the prayers working. Anyone that has ever been through a hard trial in their life, knows what I mean about "feeling prayers". I don't only realize the blessings from my prayers, but also all those that are praying for myself and my "little band of soldiers", otherwise known as my family. Also, you don't have to be a religous soul to feel the Lord's love in your life!
Well, the Benadryl in my port just kicked in.... so I am going to mentally and physically check out....Nap time, here we come!!

4 comments:

Erin said...

FUNNIEST. POST. EVER.
Seriously, Dustin and I were both cracking up. I love that you DREAM of running circles when you mistakenly drink coffee. Ha!
Sorry today is chemo day... you'll be in my thoughts... You're a tough cookie, Christa. And, I think evil is allowed every now and then... as long as it doesn't become a habit! :)

Gwen said...

Christa, your post was amazing. How do you put all of those universal feelings into perfect words...along with such wisdom. All I gotta say, is that we "evil" people need to stick together...and let's go find ourselves some babies! Howe and I love you. We believe in prayer too...and we are adding ours to all of the others, just for you.

Grama Karen and Papa Lund said...

Christa, I do remember Heather attacks but Heather did not have a corner on them. You know a lot about our family lore. We are blessed to have you in the family adding to that lore. We love you.
Mom and Dad

bek said...

i miss you! you crack me up so bad! i hope i didn't add to your evil mood by telling you my chest was softer for eric on sunday. :( thanks for saying the prayer for me anyway, since i'm a sensitive sally and couldn't do it. what are best friends for?