O.K., so I know some of you think I am part robot because my posts are pretty much positive and uplifting. You know, it is always sunshine and happy skipping people or something...but, there is another side to the coin, which I usually ignore. Why ignore it??? Well, when I look back at this part of my life I don't want to remember having to be in the bathroom for an hour each morning trying to get the chemo out of my body. I don't want to remember feeling like crying evertime I pass a mirror and see a reflection of myself.... the self that is bald and swollen due to steriods. I don't want to remember that when I had my period this week, I bleed so much they almost put me in the hospital to give me more blood. I don't want to remember the times I couldn't be a mom to my kids, or the 4-year-old that stopped mid-aisle in Target and pointed up to my hat clad head proclaiming with sincere child-like honesty, "Look mommy, that lady looks funny, she doesn't have any hair." (Crap, here come the tears...)
I don't want to remember that sometimes, just sometimes I think about death....the real possibility of it and that if I die I want to give Logan a huge hug and sit down and tell him all about the year without him and how much we miss him... especially how much his mommy and daddy miss him. Does he know how much they love him and crave his touch every single day? (I am sure he already knows all of this, for he is wiser now than all of us).
I don't want to think about how my life would have been different if that first biopsy, way back in May, had told the truth. The pain that would have been avoided.
I don't want to think of that first chemo session and all the hallucinations that followed... feeling like I was throwing up metal shards and bugs. I don't want to think about the trip to the ER that week and the doctor proclaiming that I might have a blood clot and it could hit my heart or brain at any second.
I don't want to think about the bloody noses that won't stop bleeding... or learning why you don't tell kids to lean their heads back when they have a bloody nose....gross!
I don't want to remember the feeling of looking at myself in the mirror after my double mastecomy.... bald, without any chest and huge scars and drains hanging out of my body. That was a hideous moment. I moment where I hoped my spirit looked better than my physical body.
And that is where I decided to put all my thoughts and efforts.... My Spirit, to make my Spirit beautiful! And so now, I would like to flip that coin back over....
And think about how my love has been strengthened 100 fold for my husband as I watched him carefully help me shower after the surgeries... ever so gentle. Or as he paced our room when I was so sick, trying to figure out how to best help me. Or his strong hands on my head, which I couldn't even lift up, giving me an amazing blessing of strength and comfort.
And I want to remember seeing the little package of Honey Maid graham crackers as I lay in the ER. I was finally able to eat something without getting sick and those silly graham crackers tasted soooooo good, like heaven in a little plastic wrapper.
Or I think of the morning of the day Logan died and he was over at my house jumping on the trampoline. He was potty training at the time and he was so proud of himself. He said, "Keeta, look!" and he pulled down his pants to reveal stars on his pull-ups that told the world he was dry. I think of how lucky I am to know about the Plan of Salvation and to know where Logan is right now, doing his missionary work on the other side of the veil. The side that isn't as far as we may assume some times. Yes, it is so very close!
I think of Canyon (Logan's big brother) at our house that night as we reminded him of heaven and where Logan was. We told him all about knowlege and that Logan was now smarter than us all because he had past this mortal test. Canyon's head bounced up and a huge smile spread across his face as his green eyes lit up, "You mean Logan's smarter than me now?!! Hey!"
Or I turn my head to my wall (I am laying in my bed right now, doctors orders) where I have posted all the Get Well cards and I see the one drawn by Lund the day after I was diagnosed. In it there is a beautiful rainbow and a picture of he and I underneath the rainbow holding hands. It says, "Mom, hope you get better soon. I'm worried about you." (Dang, here come the tears again....or maybe they never stopped...I'm not sure at this point.) Another card, written by his buddy at school proclaims (with a dollar attached to it), "Get Well soon! Here is a dollar to by something for just you!"
Or I think of the Sunday not so long ago as we were rushing around trying to get everone ready. I was all dressed, yet had nothing on my head and I turned to Morgan and said, "Let's just get out the honey and a little tiny bow, the kind you put on a newborn's head and let's just plaster that little bow on my bald cranium and see what people say!"
Or I think of Sarah cuddled up on my lap, crying because she just wants me to feel better.If she could take away the pain, she would. She has such a bleeding heart!
So, if you ever read my blogs and think that I am just a "PollyAnna", just remember why I focus on the stuff I do! Maybe we should all focus on the beautiful in life....cuz it's here, all around us!
p.s. I love you all, I really and truly do!