This morning I woke up feeling a bit like a "mom failure". I had nightmares again last night which didn't help my mood. Usually in my dreams, I can't seem to get everything right and everyone is dying of a disease or something, and we have to find the cure. Last night I had a newborn baby boy that I was carrying around the whole time and I didn't have any formula for him or anything for him to wear, so it got really stressful. And I needed to name him, but I couldn't figure out a name for him.....Anyways, the cure for the disease was a shot of Vitamin C into your arm and the common denominator that all the people had that got the disease was everyone that had a flu shot this year. Don't you just love the craziness of our minds!!
So, the reason I was feeling a bit like a "mom failure" was that my 7th grade daughter missed her bus this morning and my husband had to take her to school, and then he was an hour late for work. My younger sister was here getting my kids ready for school like a champ and even cleaning my house as she joked with my kids. (seriously, she is amazing), and the whole time this was going on I was snoozing away, in nightmare land!
I woke up to a quiet house around 9:30am after the phone rang a few times. The message on the phone was my sons kindergarten teacher (it isn't ever good when she is calling during the day). The message states that she needs to talk to me tonight because Will is having more difficulties in school, new problems. My "mom failure" button was pushed again and I just wanted to go and grab Will out of his classroom and hold him and rock him and tell him that I love him soooooooooooo much.
So, I decided to take a slow bike ride because I had chemo yesterday and my bones were really achy. I took my ipod and my cruiser and headed out. It hurt to ride because of the aches and I wanted to cry out with frustration. I had just ridden this exact path 48 hours prior and I rode it then as fast as I could and it felt sooo good. But today, after another bout of poison assailed my body, I felt beat down...discouraged. I decided to ride longer and longer to try to gain back that other self that may be hiding inside me. As I rode, I thought, and thought and thought. My mind went back to the Family Home Evening Lesson we had this week about never giving up. Here is the video was watched this past Monday...
After remembering this video, I knew what I had to do. I had to keep running my race. Even though somedays I feel like a "mom failure", and there are disappointments and cancer assails me constantly. The funny thing about this video is the fact that twenty years later, nobody even remembers who actually won that race, they just remember the guy that never gave up.