Behind the Scenes.....(the mind of a cancer mom)

So, I know when you read my blog you always get the impression that it is honkey dorey at my house and I am just in oblivious la la land about my condition etc. So today I will give you a bit of a background to what goes on sometimes in my house and mind....the real stuff!
          I have been really tired this week, so I am trying to fit in time with the kids AND fit in naps or rest periods throughout the day. Here is the problem with that....
                    1. When I "lie down" the kids think I am out of the picture, even  though I rest in the downstairs guest room, and they run rampant and chores/responsibilities are halted/reversed.
                    2. When I "lie down" my kids think I am "sick" and they get worried. Some more than others.
                    
2. I have a very sensitive son, Lund, who is ALWAYS worried about my welfare. Everything he buys or find, for example, his golf glove this week is Breast Cancer Awareness. He is CONSTANTLY asking me how I am feeling and he is very cuddly with me and tells me he loves me ALL the time. (Some of these things aren't too bad).  Problem is: He doesn't like to go "play" very often, for fear of leaving my side. And I can ALWAYS see the worry in his eyes. I just want him to be an 11-year-old boy, not the caregiver to his mother. he is cursed with the sensitivity of both of his parents.

3. My youngest child, who was doing so great during preschool, has reverted in many ways. He has "accidents" all the time and if he doesn't know what the schedule is for the day, he is a mess. He also has a new summer habit of TORMENTING his brothers and sisters. Not just teasing, TORMENTING!!! He can make them cry with his persistent pestering and he can get very hurt when they get mad and explode. And then you don't know who to punish.

4. this week, I had a bit of a depression wave that hit me and it all started like this....... Sarah is snuggled up next to me on the couch and we were watching a family friendly movie that had a sentimental moment. She started to cry and I told her that it was o.k. She turned to me and said, "Your not going to be around when I get older, because you are going to be dead." Tears flowed from both of us.... And it sent me into a downward spiral until I talked my way out of it with help from Morgan. Here is the theory Morgan and I have.... Cancer may take my life someday, I also might die of choking on a piece of really yummy chocolate cake. the point is.... If I give into the depression, then the cancer has already beat me. 

5. I have to eat a certain diet and a lot of times, that STINKS!! I am on an "Anti-cancer" diet and I am really glad that I found the diet and admitidly, I am feeling better as a whole and hopefully the cancer is feeling it too. The problem is, it is a pretty restrictive diet and sometimes I just want to shove a piece of cake in my face and laugh at the diet. And then my guilty mind goes to the fact that one piece of cake could be the reason I died of cancer.... I know, silly. But, that is the routine my mind plays out.

6. Lund had a birthday this week. Today, actually. And he said to me earlier this week, "When are we having my party?" My mind just sank....I'm so tired and it is sooooooo exhausting to have a party.....the invitations, the planning, the gift bags, and the list goes on. I just couldn't do it. So we had a compromise. Last night, I told him to invite over some buddies and we had daddy launching water balloons (which was a HUGE hit) and all the boys went out in the couldesac and tried to catch them. And we played some easy games that didn't require any research. Cassidy made the cake and I forgot to buy ice cream. No big deal. It ended up being a really great time and I hope Lund realizes how much he is loved. Also, Lund was checking the mail everyday to see if anyone had sent him any birthday cards. This always breaks my heart when they don't get one each day, so this year I enlisted the help of Cassidy and Sarah and we made a bunch of birthday cards and I wrote checks from my check book in each one. Just small checks that would equal his birthday amount and we placed them all in the mailbox. He was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited when he got the mail on Wednesday and there were cards for them and they were early. The trick: I postdated the checks to the 24th of June so he couldn't use them until his birthday. And it would have worked really well if I wasn't such a soft hearted fool that gave him the money early anyways. He bought himself a new skateboard, helmet and "skater shoes".

7. My visiting teacher found me a great video online about cancer and I watched it this week and it seems like this guy out in Texas has the "cure" for cancer, and as long as you are willing to pay 100,000.00. You can live a full life and grow old etc. no guarantees of course. it was actually an informative video and I am not scratching it off of the "last chances" list, but the stress of it all always gets to me. I think I will stick with my study I am doing at Mayo right now because it is free and it seems like they are onto something here too.

So that, plus much more is what has been going on in my mind this week.....

I do want to capitalize on one awesome thing I did this week.......Yesterday I didn't want another day of mom not feeling good and the kids watching tv when they got their chores done... you know the routine. So I told the kids right before lunchtime...."We are going to a movie. Judy Moody and the not Bummer Summer." Cassidy groaned. "I don't want to see that one mom. And I don't want to go anywhere." I told them. "Too bad, I already called your friends and invited them and we are leaving soon so get ready." So I FORCED them to have some fun with me, but it ended up being a wonderful afternoon. My favorite part was when I hid some peanut butter M & M's in Wills popcorn. About a half hour later he exclaimed, "HEY, THERE ARE M & M'S IN MY POPCORN......YESSSS!!!!" Definitely worth every minute!!!!